Dear Your Boy Dave,

I have a trendy sports flag in the corner of my dorm room to spice up my décor, but here’s the problem: the mounting putty I purchased at the bookstore isn’t quite sturdy enough. The corner keeps coming loose from the wall and lightly brushing my face as I sit. How can I keep this flag, and my spirits, up?

Sincerely,

Droopy in Donner

Dear Droopy,

Quit worrying. Your Boy Dave used to have this issue, but then he just thought “nah, putty ain’t shit” That’s pretty much the extent of it. Don’t trip. Don’t trip. Don’t trip. Glide, you feel? Go out and buy some command strips — $3.99 at the Book Shack (what Your Boy Dave calls the bookstore) — that’s the good shit right there.

Dear Your Boy Dave,

Recently, I’ve started worrying that my roommate might not like me. It’s only been a day but he already told me to quote ‘Fuck my own dick off.’ Could this be a joke of some kind or am I destined for a rocky freshman year?

Sincerely,

Troubled in Trancos

Dear Troubled,

Your Boy Dave used to have a roommate like that, but now Your Boy Dave lives alone! Your Boy Dave has no friends, you feel? Sometimes, at night, Your Boy Dave wonders what it would be like to have friends, or what a hug feels like, but Your Boy Dave doesn’t have all the answers. GLIIIIIDE, you know? Everything is all right with Your Boy Dave.

Dear Your Boy Dave,

For the past week or so, I’ve felt homesick. Yesterday, I had the urge to call my parents, but I assumed they would be at work, or busy. I don’t even know what I would say if I called them. How do I tell them that I miss them?

Sincerely,

Reminiscing in Rinconada

Dear Reminiscing,

Your Boy Dave has no home, you feel? Your Boy Dave is a drifter on the Lone Plains, not by choice, but because Your Boy Dave has been neglected by the system. This world was too cruel for Your Boy Dave, a man who tried to glide through life’s cruelty. It’s too damn cruel, you feel? If life ever feels that way for you, just remember that there ain’t no tripping on the Lone Plains. No tripping at all… You feel?

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…