WASHINGTON, DC—After serving the state of Pennsylvania for thirty years, United States Senator Arlen Specter surprised everyone when, last Monday, he announced that he would step out of the closet and join the Democratic Party. In a statement to the press, Senator Specter explained his decision:

“I’ve been on Capitol Hill for over three decades, and over the years, I’ve learned that you can’t hide who you truly are. It took me a long time, but I’ve finally come to terms with my Democratic identity. The truth is that for years, I denied who I really was, I put on a charade for the people of Pennsylvania because I wanted to be accepted, but enough is enough. The Republican Arlen Specter you thought you knew does not exist—he never existed. It’s been hard for me to acknowledge, but now I am proud to say, after living in the closet for my entire career, after ignoring the real me, that I am a Democrat. And now I have this to say to the Republican party—for everyone out there in the Republican Party who is afraid—for everyone who is worried about what might happen if you decide to reveal your true identity, remember, we live in America, and in America, anything is possible. There are more closeted Democrats in the Republican Party than you think, so please, come out! Let the American people know just how many of us there are! We may not all be the makers of super-majorities in the Senate, but if we join together and promote our true identities, then there’s no filibuster we can’t break.”

Shortly after making his announcement, Specter was hailed by Democrats as a national hero. After hearing Specter’s plea for other closeted members of the Republican Party to come forward, political analysts across the country are wondering which Republicans are likely to come forward, but thus far, no Congressmen have been identified.

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