Given the furor that surrounds the Royal Family in even the most normal of times, it’s no surprise that the media has been in a frenzy since the birth of Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana Windsor. Attention has already turned, though, to her next milestone: the production of her first solid poop. The prospective excretion, nicknamed ‘The Royal Dookie’ after the Duchess-to-be, is sure to ignite a storm of speculation next week.
Historically, British royals have used the shape of said waste as an auspicious omen. It was said that Queen Elizabeth I’s first visit to the loo was hymen-shaped, foretelling her reign as the Virgin Queen. William of Orange, meanwhile, had a viscous maroon excretion, foretelling the downfall of his house in 1702. With anti-monarchy sentiment rising among certain swathes of the British population, it will be interesting to see whether Charlotte’s droppings are in the shape of England, as is expected, or in the shape of Scotland, so as to curry favor with nationalist support north of the border.
Charlotte, who has subsisted on a diet made up largely of fiber, is reported to have produced what royal insiders call ‘a righteous deuce.’ However, the analysis of this great gift is yet to be parsed, with many outsiders wondering whether Charlotte also shares Kate’s inimitable charm with the common people. In a populist move, Charlotte could opt for a teacup or football-shaped release. Data is expected to be released this Wednesday.