KAPPA EPSILON HOUSE—A rash of vomiting and headaches after a frat party this weekend was originally feared to have been a norovirus outbreak, but doctors and upperclassmen now agree that it was actually “just freshmen drinking too much. Again.” Several students reported gastrointestinal troubles and splitting migraines Sunday morning, and a few were hospitalized for further treatment of their norovirus. After their blood-work came back negative for disease but positive for alcohol, they were promptly discharged with clean bills of health and sent to go talk to their RDs.
“We were worried that perhaps something had been contaminated when we realized that everyone that drank the Jägerbombs got sick,” said one member of the fraternity. “But then we realized it was actually that everyone that drank seven Jägerbombs got sick, and that it was really nothing out of the ordinary.” They also admitted that it had been rather suspicious that some of the most commonly reported symptoms were patients insisting that they “really get the EMTs, man” and repeatedly attempting to call their exes.
A Wilbur house PHE we interviewed was “overjoyed” at the news that his freshmen hadn’t gotten sick but merely drunk. “I’m just glad that these cases were caused by their poor health decisions and not mine.” He added that if you are experiencing norovirus-type symptoms, you should “try some alka-seltzer and wear sunglasses for a bit before coming to talk to [him].”
Members of the fraternity were actually rather optimistic about the incident. “You know, [stuff] like this could have happened any weekend,” one member said, “thanks to the norovirus outbreak, we can’t lose our housing privileges due to plausible deniability.”