Hey, Gibby here. I know there’s technically no “winner” of Screw your Roo, an event put on in most freshmen dorms to help get your roommate screwed, but if there was, I might as well be handed the prize right now. Rather than going the normal route of setting my roommate up with a mutual friend for a night of playful banter and nervous smiles, I set up a string of elaborate traps meant to frame him for murder. Brandon’s gonna stay screwed for 25 years to life!

I don’t want to be a braggart or anything, but after the police took Brandon away in handcuffs, my RA was like “Wow Gibby, you totally screwed him! Your Roo may never see the light of day again!” I didn’t hear him say that to anyone else, no matter how much sex their roommate was having after our dorm’s big outing to Tin Pot Creamery.

Brandon was a little miffed when I told him I hadn’t arranged a date for him for the event, especially since he went out of his way to set me up with a really quick-witted, nice girl from his PWR 1 class (who I’m still seeing!), but by the end of the evening, it became clear how screwed he really was.

It wasn’t easy strangling that man in White Plaza with a piece of garrote wire, dragging his body to Otero, hiding him under Brandon’s bed, then wiping off my fingerprints and planting some hair from Brandon’s hairbrush around the scene. But when the police arrived and found the bloody carpentry tools I hid in Brandon’s desk drawer, it all became worth it. Brandon was all “What the fuck! Who put these scalpels in my pencil box!” and I was all “You’re a murderer!” Oh man, we’ll tell our kids this story someday.

For all the times I’ve failed my Roo by never leaving the room, not doing my laundry, and playing loud music at 3am, I think I’ve made up for it by really hitting this screw on the head – I just hope the verdict sticks!

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