This past Friday, Cardinal Nights hosted one of its most popular and controversial events of the school year, the annual Bingo Night. This is the fifth year that the group has hosted the event, which has become infamous for inspiring attendees to engage in long periods of unrestrained sexual activity. Surveys suggest that after a few rounds of Cardinal Nights Bingo, players typically have uninterrupted sex for 8 to 12 hours, although reports of “sex marathons” lasting up to 3 days are also not uncommon.

Although it is still unclear exactly why Bingo Night inevitably leads to so much sex, Stanford neurobiologist Stephen Fox believes he may have an answer. “We’ve conducted several experiments mapping the brain activity of students while they’re playing bingo” Bacchus explained, “And it appears that the progressive anticipation of victory, as each letter and number is systematically announced, leads to a build-up hormones in the student’s body, which triggers intense activity in the pleasure center of the brain, causing this kind of unprecedented sexual fervor.”

Cardinal Nights Bingo was almost canceled last year, when over 200 aroused bingoers used up all of the University’s annual condom supply, nearly bankrupting the SHPRC. Fortunately, Stanford Provost John Etchemendy personally purchased more than 10,000 condoms for this year’s event. “I too have experienced the carnal pleasures associated with bingo,” Etchemendy exclaimed, “And as long as I’m serving as Provost, I will ensure that all of my students can do the same.”

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