Freshman Roommates Unable to Reach Agreement on Masturbation Schedule

October 1, 2012 12:00 pm
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Freshman Roommates Unable to Reach Agreement on Masturbation Schedule

Shouts and shrieks echoed through the halls Monday night in Serra, shattering the otherwise peaceful tranquility of the East Campus residence. At first residents feared some sort of criminal intrustion, but the origin of the noise was revealed to be Frank Zucker and Thomas Willie, two roommates who were thought by the community-at-large to have a harmonious relationship.  Bruised and tearful, the two were forcibly separated as Zucker yelled, “You asshole, I NEED Monday nights! It’s the only way I can unwind after having BOTH Math 51 and CS 106A on the SAME damn day!” Upon closer inquiry, it was discovered that the source of the disturbance was that Zucker and Willie were unable to bang out a masturbation schedule that worked for both of them.

Stanford attempts to match up roommates based on their likes and dislikes, sleeping schedules, and noise-level preferences.  But according to Willie, they failed to take other factors into account.

“They ignore the important stuff!” he said loudly.  “I know they didn’t ask about masturbation on the questionnaire, but if I had known that my roommate and I were going to have this much trouble, I would have gladly suffered the awkward moments filling it out in front of my parents.”

After a closed-door meeting with their residential advisor, Willie was moved to a different room and Zucker received a new roommate. Both pairs reported increased schedule compatability. Residents say that moans and sighs of contentment have replaced the yelling, and Stanford Housing has considered modifying the roommate questionnaire in order to prevent similar incidents from occurring in the future.