This Friday, thousands of prospective frosh will be flocking to the Stanford campus to catch their very first glimpse of the next four years of their lives. With an overflowing pool of exciting candidates to pick from, I’ve determined that it’s time for me to re-download Tinder.
A common misconception about Stanford is that the dating pool is poor quality, but this is not the case. Rather, at the beginning of the year, all of the quality frosh are simply picked up one-by-one by senior members of the Kappa Sigma and Kappa Alpha fraternities, leaving next to nobody for the rest of us to choose from. After pouring over the data, I realized that my last shot at being cuffed to a Stanford cutie (see: ABG) before I graduate this June is this weekend: admit weekend.
In order to understand campus dating at its core, we reached out to the experts. According to the Stanford Marriage Pact, “No matter how many times you email us, we cannot guarantee you a match with a first-year. We’ve also forwarded your contact information to the police, asshole.” Thanks to the valuable insights provided, the optimal strategy seems to be to boot up Tinder, play around with the age range, and finally, start swiping!
While the rest of you are at Green Library studying or throwing die in Sigma Nu’s front yard, this Friday, you know where I’ll be: waiting in White Plaza with a dozen roses and a dashing smile.