Stanford, CA – Defying all common sense, the Stanford student currently puking in the stall next to you undeniably has a good chance of one day serving as the Chief Executive Officer of one of the most powerful corporations on Earth.

Although at the moment he has forced himself to consume such an amount of toxic substances that his body has bypassed his conscious mind to involuntarily expel them through his mouth, he could nonetheless one day oversee hundreds of thousands of employees, control billions of dollars in cash and other assets, and make decisions that fundamentally impact the lives of men and women in all corners of the globe. And while it is unclear how asking his friend between heaves, his voice amplified by the porcelain bowl cradling his face, if that hot theta girl will still “want some” will prepare him to steer the course of a multi-billion dollar industry, he nevertheless may one day have the final say in decisions that shape the future of the developed world. And so might his friend, who answers, “Totally, man. She loves guys who can puke and rally.”

Further, there is a non-negligible chance that high-profile media outlets will seek out his insight, authors will clamber to pen his biography, and children will view him as an idol, all in spite of the fact that he is currently ejecting stomach acid into a communal dorm toilet with the utter lack of dignity that such an act implies.

At press time, he had begun dry heaving.

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