Tensions have recently mounted between two high-profile students, John Davis from Wilbur on East Campus and Tim Adams from Roble on West campus, resulting in a volatile Cold Poke War situation, with a full-scale Poke War threatening to erupt any day.

Currently, commentators cite the principle of “mutually assured destruction” as a major deterrent in preventing either side from launching a pre-emptive poke. Both parties know that if they poke their enemy, their enemy has the capability to poke back with equally destructiveforce.

As tensions mount, both camps have increased their security around critical facilities. Representatives for both parties say that computers and phones are password-protected at all times to prevent a wayward attack that would engulf the campus in conflict.

A spokesman for Davis says that anxiety has been especially high in the past week and that an attack seems imminent. Davis himself was reported to claim, “I have spend many long nights sitting at my computer with my finger on the button…watching…waiting…thinking…”

In an attempt to bolster their defenses, both combatants have extended their spheres of influences to neighboring dorms. Davis has expanded his defensive borders by signing treaties with students in Stern and Branner, while Adams has absorbed satellites in Lagunita and FloMo.

Talks are underway to organize a disarmament convention, in an attempt to ease the hostile tension that has mounted in recent months. Says one political pundit, “I think a reduction in arms will be a huge step forward to solving this crisis. After all, its hard to poke someone if you don’t have any arms.”

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