Breaking – This Reporter Getting Progressively Drunker

April 22, 2014 9:00 am
Views: 408
Breaking – This Reporter Getting Progressively Drunker

STANFORD, CA – Every year, prospective freshmen- affectionately called “ProFros” – visit the campus of this prestigious university to try it on for size. The hard part is over, they’ve been accepted, and now it is time for the school to court them. With many welcoming speeches and events, it can be a little overwhelming to students more accustomed to the smaller, intimate environment of high school. So it falls to the Stanford students themselves to reach out to the ProFros, and to answer their questions and concerns with a personal touch.

Surely the question in the forefront of all their minds is, what does it mean to go to Stanford? And what does it mean to go to Stanford? I wrote my essay about learning carpentry with my dad. But am I a carpentry major? No! So what does a birdhouse I made in 6th grade have to do with my college education? And I- uh, a lot. It’s… The brdhouse is a metaphor. The birdhouse is my- instead of building houses, I build bridgs between people. With psychology. At least I’m hleping people, Dad.

Realy, these ProFros want to a glimpse into the lives of a real Stanford students. How do they work? How does they play? Where do they eat? I’ll bet they- this kids will have a great time. They want, uh, they gotta see how great Stanford is. I’m having fun. God knwos my ex girlfrend Lola is having fun. Just look at her Facebook pictrues, she’s so happy. Smiling on Spring break, smiling in the quad, smiling- who the fuck is that guy!?