Bernie Sheds His Exoskeleton Again, Emerging 30 Years Younger and Ready to Rumble

February 25, 2019 7:00 pm
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Bernie Sheds His Exoskeleton Again, Emerging 30 Years Younger and Ready to Rumble

In a video announcing his presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders (D-VT) is seen staring grimly at the camera. As the video draws to a close, however, Bernie engages in his quadrennial ritual: he curls up on the ground, convulses a few times, and shucks off all of his skin and clothing, emerging as a gleaming, slippery, hairless 47 year old.

This transformation is already being dubbed by some (middle aged white dudes) as the largest power move in modern history, placing him squarely at the forefront of the Democratic race. Immediately after emerging fully naked from his discarded carcass, Sanders turned towards the camera, flashed his pearly whites, and said, “Watch out, ladies. Big Daddy’s back in the game.”

This was the moment many Bernie supporters had been waiting for, for in recent years his advanced age threatened to become an obstacle to his political duties. After conceding the Democratic primary to Hillary Clinton in 2016, people feared that Sanders was done for, the forgotten socialist of yesteryear.

“Bernie Sanders? That dude’s still alive?” Junior Adelaide Cairne said. “Man, these white guys have the longest life spans ever. Trump’s like 96 and somehow still lugging his corpse around, Bernie’s running for president for what, the 8th time? What’s next, Hugh Hefner is opening his second Playboy mansion at Stanford?”

Since his rebirth Sanders has been flaunting his youth, blazing a path across the country in his Subaru Crosstrek to grow his base. In South Dakota, in an attempt to bolster his popularity amongst the youth he shotgunned ten Natty Lights and then did a frontflip on a dirt bike over a pit of snow. After the stunt, he issued a statement about his campaign.

“You know, the folks these days just don’t give a rats ass about “Green New Deals” and all of that political jargon,” Senator Sanders said while ripping a bong. “Since my rebirth, I’ve been able to more acutely judge the sentiment among Democrats, and right now what’s hot is diversity among candidates and a willingness to right the dozens of wrongs Trump has left in the office. Even though I check off maybe half of the second one, I’m confident I can pull out the win. I mean, look how much money I have!”

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