Agents of the U.S. intelligence community were left confused and scared Wednesday morning when, upon beginning their routine surveillance of unconstitutionally-tapped digital communications, they found that high school sophomore Roy Cavendish had foiled their efforts by placing a single strip of masking tape over his laptop’s camera.
“We don’t know what to do,” stated National Security Agency director Michael Rogers in a rare press conference. “This is unprecedented.”
After a brief pause, Rogers — who seemed on the edge of tears — announced that he would not be taking any further questions on the matter, but that a comprehensive reevaluation of NSA policies and capabilities was already underway.
“We don’t know how, but we’re going to get to the bottom of this,” Rogers said with a sniffle. “Whether it’s a bloodthirsty ISIS jihadi or a horny, unemployed teenager, we will overcome whatever obstacles they throw in our path. Eventually.”
The agency, which has been covertly monitoring Cavendish’s digital footprint for over three years now, reportedly contacted the FBI, CIA, and Department of State while searching for a means through the tape. None could find a solution.
“Whoever this anti-American prick is, we’re going to subvert his methods and destroy him,” threatened CIA director Mike Pompeo through gritted teeth. “The intelligence community has no time for bullshit — the fate of our country could very well be at stake.”
Cavendish, however, was unconcerned.
“I just didn’t want those creeps watching me while I’m jerking it,” the pimply teen explained. “So I put a bit of tape over the lens. That outta stop ‘em.”
At press time, the NSA had finally resumed collecting Cavendish’s data after the high schooler had to peel the tape off to Skype his grandparents.