Following Arrest of Ross Ulbright, Annual FBI Party will be Awesome

February 10, 2014 12:00 pm
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Following Arrest of Ross Ulbright, Annual FBI Party will be Awesome

Records detailing the arrest of Ross Ulbright, the man behind the extensive internet black market, the Silk Road, bring many previously unknown details to light about the investigation. The site is far more sophisticated than investigators realized, Ulbright’s crimes far more heinous, and the upcoming annual FBI party is likely to be off the hook. In order to pinpoint Ulbright’s location and implicate him, FBI agents placed hundreds of orders through the Silk Road for cocaine, heroine, ecstasy, and LSD. “Once the first order was confirmed,” explained FBI spokeswoman Fieldbrook, “We had him right where we needed him. But the more evidence against him, the more open-and-shut this case is going to be when it reaches court. Plus,” added Fieldbrook, “The CIA had a mechanical bull at their last party, and it’s going to be hard to top that.”

Agents tracked Ulbright to a public library and surrounded him, dressed in civilian clothing until, in a scene that could have come straight from Hollywood, they revealed their badges and placed him under arrest. “It was really wonderful to see this man finally get his comeuppance,” commented Senior Agent Stone. “The baggy of prime Alaskan Kush in his jacket pocket at the time of the arrest was just the icing on the cake.”

Ulbright faces charges of running a veritable drug empire, as well as the darker crime of not only enabling the purchase and sale of “hitmen,” but allegedly hiring hitmen to take out his enemies as well; and the annual FBI party faces charges of being totally off-your-face ridonkulus. “Those smug CIA guys won’t believe what we’ve got in the evidence locker,” smirked Stone, adding ruefully, “And as usual the NSA people will just sit outside the windows and watch. You can’t please everyone.”

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