Although both their respective teams have been eliminated from the NFL playoffs, reports indicate that brothers John and Jim Harbaugh will not let their competitive fires be extinguished by the mere obstacle of not having anything to play for. John, the elder brother and therefore, according to him, the way radder and cooler guy, spoke out yesterday, stating, “Just because we haven’t reached the Super Bowl, that doesn’t mean we can’t take three hours out of our day to yell furiously and stamp our feet angrily on the ground. At this point, it’s basically a Harbaugh family tradition.”

Given that neither team was allowed to play in the Meadowlands and kick out “those shitty, cheating teams,” a new location had to be found for the two brothers to work out their barely suppressed emotional issues. Harbaugh Bowl II will take place in an abandoned Denny’s on the outskirts of Baltimore and will be staffed by Foot Locker trainees, so as to mimic both the terrifying ambiance and incompetent officials of an NFL game. Although no actual players will be present and no football will be played, the stakes will be just as high. Topics to be contested include who Mom loved more, who took the last piece of white meat on Thanksgiving, and whose yelling best represents a man in the throes of an existential crisis.

Said Jim preemptively before being asked for comment, “I look forward to a good clean game that upholds the spirit of competitive competitiveness. Of course, my game plan will be to immediately grab John in a headlock and noogie the shit out of him, all while yelling about how Dad gave me the Camaro when I was 18.” Said John is response, “Yeah, well, how about you tell Jim I took his prom date through some shuttle drills, if you know what I mean.”

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