The Office of Alcohol P E (OAPE) experienced an unexpected surge in popularity last week after a typo in an internal memo changed an “alcohol free” event into a “free alcohol” event. Thanks to this mix-up, the OAPE singlehandedly funded the school’s largest pre-game event since Hennessy’s 75th birthday bash several years ago.
Frat brothers streamed from the row in a mass exodus to the alcoholic mecca in White Plaza. SLE students were seen stumbling in a drunken haze away from the fair, whose stated purpose was to “teach young adults about the many alcohol-alternatives and non-alcoholic ways to have a good time.” Almost the entire class of ’15 was medivac’d to the hospital for treatment for alcohol poisoning.
OAPE Event Coordinator Steve Stevenson commented, “Of course we thought it was strange, when we got the memo. Throwing ‘ragers’ isn’t one of our usual responsibilities. But we’re not the ideas-guys. We just make the events. So yeah, we thought, if we’re doing this, we’re going to do it right. I’d say we spent close to half our budget on straight booze.”
OAPE President Ralph Castro has not been available for comment, but was last seen holding back tears as he shooed his assistants away and locked his office door. Junior Mark Markowitz, whose birthday fell just days after the OAPrEgame, received a letter from the Office that offered some insight into Castro’s state of mind. While these cards are part of OAPE standard practice, this one played loud music when opened and carried the message, “Yeah, I’ll bet you like that, you hung-over bastards.”