After returning from Stanford’s thrilling victory against UCLA, sophomore Kerry Wilhelms was devastated to learn that her excitement over plays like Kodi Whitfield’s one-handed touchdown catch had caused her to miss scintillating in-game Twitter highlights like “oh hey…oh yay…Stanford get a win today.”

“All night, my dorm mates reminisced about the pithy quips and insightful sports journalism that was scrolling across the stadium’s new ribbon board,” bemoaned Williams, “But I missed it all. I was distracted by a bunch of my classmates running around on a patch of grass wearing silly helmets.”

Williams tried to justify her actions by claiming that her loud screams on third down helped to rattle the opposing offense and assist the Cardinal cause.  She was quickly silenced, of course, when her roommate astutely pointed out that the UCLA quarterback Brett Hundley was probably far more distracted by the phrase “the sun is shining and the nerds are flowing” that was hovering directly in his line of sight.

“I thought Jordan Richard’s two interceptions were great, but everyone just seems to be talking about #FearTheTree, #GoCard, #NobelPrizes, and #WIIIINNNNNIIIIIINNNNGGGGG,” Williams reported, “I guess this is more of a Twitter school than a football school anyway.”

At press time, the Cardinal may haz been 13 in the polls, but are #1 in my <3.

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