CAPS to be Reimagined as Haberdashery

October 22, 2018 7:00 pm
CAPS to be Reimagined as Haberdashery

Dr. Melinda Skork, director of Counseling and Psychological Services, announced Monday that the student support program will begin transitioning into a men’s accessory store this year.

“After much deliberation and amid ongoing funding issues, the University has concluded that what would most cost-effectively help students prosper is a high-end haberdashery,” she said at a press conference. “After all, it’s much easier to cope with the challenges of life in tailored lapels and a sharp pair of loafers.”

Skork added that the new boutique will feature a sophisticated collection of male accouterments, including bowties, handkerchiefs, canes and studded cock rings. There’s only one caveat: you have to make an appointment beforehand. “We expect wait time to be between two and three years, to ensure that you have the optimal shopping experience,” she explained. “But it’s well worth the wait — regulars can even rack up points to exchange for free buttons.”

One anonymous Vaden staffer expressed her support for the new program, saying, “I’m actually surprised nobody has thought of this before. It’s like, of course you’re depressed — you’re wearing Birkenstocks!”

Skork clarified that CAPS will also continue to provide traditional mental health services. “If you know the special password, one of our shopping assistants will take you back to a private dressing room where they’ll perform a quick exorcism,” she said. “It’s a painless procedure, and the copay is only $5000.”

She noted, however, that CAPS is not intended to be a long-term resource: “Our primary goal is just to get you to stop wearing the same Nerd Nation shirt with sweatpants four days a week.”

So will the new campus haberdashery really improve student wellbeing? “I’m not saying we’re going to solve Duck Syndrome,” Skork said. “But with the right cufflinks and a suave fedora, even a drowning duck looks good.”