After forty-one years of indignity, the Catholic Church has finally won its battle against Stanford, forcing the school to change its nickname away from the offensive “Cardinal”.
“We’ve found it a grave insult to our belief system that [Stanford] has had athletic men and women running around professing to be ‘Cardinal’, when in fact this is a holy position that can only be held by elderly white men,” commented a high-ranking member of the clergy. “Their dedication to the ideals of athletic achievement and self-improvement have completely discredited the good name of the Catholic church.
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Stanford’s board of directors jumped into action with amazing speed, and after several arduous hours white smoke was visible rising from the chimney of President Hennessy’s house, announcing that a decision had been reached. After a visit from the police and a confirmation that the source of the smoke was, in fact, medicinal, the President proudly announced our new team nickname: The Arrillaga.
“We feel confident that our new nickname is memorable, fierce, truly representative of our spirit as a university, and most importantly: completely inoffensive,” said a representative of the university’s PR department.
“As we speak, Dr. Zimbardo is running focus-group studies on undergrads, and we have found that after being exposed to the new nickname, students are 20% less likely to be offended, 30% more likely to stick around after the game to actually sing ‘Hail Stanford Hail’, and 60% more likely to literally tear their opponents into bloody shreds in a display of primal savagery.”
Some students have expressed concern that people won’t understand the significance of the name “Arrillaga”, and that our teams will become a laughingstock as a result. President Hennessy brushed off these concerns, saying “Well fuck, we put up with “Cardinal” for forty-one years, could it really get any worse?
” He then implied that Stanford has a deep connection with Arrillaga that extends beyond the nickname or the very large checks: “80% of Stanford is already named Arrillaga.
In a way, we’ve been the Arrillagas all along.”
Don’t forget to pick up your complimentary Arrillaga t-shirts at Arrillaga on Friday, and after you root for your Stanford Arrillagas this Saturday night, be sure to stop by Arrillaga for Arrillaga themed food.
