After forty-one years of indignity, the Catholic Church has finally won its battle against Stanford, forcing the school to change its nickname away from the offensive “Cardinal”.
“We’ve found it a grave insult to our belief system that [Stanford] has had athletic men and women running around professing to be ‘Cardinal’, when in fact this is a holy position that can only be held by elderly white men,” commented a high-ranking member of the clergy. “Their dedication to the ideals of athletic achievement and self-improvement have completely discredited the good name of the Catholic church.”
Stanford’s board of directors jumped into action with amazing speed, and after several arduous hours white smoke was visible rising from the chimney of President Hennessy’s house, announcing that a decision had been reached. After a visit from the police and a confirmation that the source of the smoke was, in fact, medicinal, the President proudly announced our new team nickname: The Arrillaga.
“We feel confident that our new nickname is memorable, fierce, truly representative of our spirit as a university, and most importantly: completely inoffensive,” said a representative of the university’s PR department. “As we speak, Dr. Zimbardo is running focus-group studies on undergrads, and we have found that after being exposed to the new nickname, students are 20% less likely to be offended, 30% more likely to stick around after the game to actually sing ‘Hail Stanford Hail’, and 60% more likely to literally tear their opponents into bloody shreds in a display of primal savagery.”
Some students have expressed concern that people won’t understand the significance of the name “Arrillaga”, and that our teams will become a laughingstock as a result. President Hennessy brushed off these concerns, saying “Well fuck, we put up with “Cardinal” for forty-one years, could it really get any worse?” He then implied that Stanford has a deep connection with Arrillaga that extends beyond the nickname or the very large checks: “80% of Stanford is already named Arrillaga. In a way, we’ve been the Arrillagas all along.”
Don’t forget to pick up your complimentary Arrillaga t-shirts at Arrillaga on Friday, and after you root for your Stanford Arrillagas this Saturday night, be sure to stop by Arrillaga for Arrillaga themed food.