As if on cue, the annual onslaught of flu and cold season has arrived just in time to disrupt scheduled midterms, causing students to bellow “why did I stay up so late on Tuesday night?” But this year’s illness is accompanied by several bizarre strains that have left professionals at the Stanford Medical Center scrambling to produce vaccinations.

The strange diseases have been linked to the increased geographic diversity of the Stanford student body.  New strains of the annual flu include, but are not limited to: South Texan Disease (STD), Canadian Sclerosis (it is inexplicably gentle), the I-got-in-here-so-I-must-be-uncommon cold, and I’mJustHeretoRaiseFundsforMyStart-Up-eosis.



To prevent the spread of these new illness, hand sanitizers are being distributed with almost as much zeal as condoms. However, the battle escalates. The Stanford administration has suggested a more aggressive means of preventing this blitzkrieg on our immune systems: having new students wear Hazmat suits throughout NSO and into the first weeks of school. As one student comments, “It’s not like you remember anyone’s name at NSO anyway so why not throw Hazmat suits into the mix. They are great icebreakers!”

Another suggestion has been to quarantine freshman all together and let nature take care of the rest. Prominent pathologists have spearheaded the fast-tracking of this initiative, saying it could be a great tool for their research. Doctor Germbardo of Stanford Hospital fielded questions of strident critics, noting, “this would be nothing like the Stanford Prison Experiment! It seems every time we propose locking children in a room together you gratuitously bring that up.”

The administration is still evaluating both of the proposed techniques, seeing the urgency of preventing these new infectious diseases from “going full-on bubonic.”

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