The Stanford Office of Alcohol Policy and Education released a press statement last Thursday declaring that the battle to convince students to adopt healthy and informed drinking habits has ended, with alcohol as the clear victor. Citing everything from ubiquitous undergrad binge-drinking to the insultingly high number of drunken people attending Cardinal Nights, the OAPE announced that the organization “might as well just stop fucking trying” at this point in time.

“It’s just really frustrating; we’ve come to feel as an office that we’re really not making any progress here,” reported junior OAPE volunteer Teresa Wang. “It seems like no matter HOW many times we draw the ‘staying in the social zone’ chart, undergrads just don’t seem to want to do it.”

OAPE further defended its rationale for the decision, reporting that suggesting that freshman not drink is a thankless and demoralizing task that brings with it the feeling that the world is becoming more depraved and unwholesome by the second. Although it’s unclear whether the OAPE will resume its efforts in the immediate future, it appears unlikely after a group of intoxicated sophomores showed up at its office last Friday drunkenly demanding that bingo night return.

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