Dear Stanford Student™,

When you joined Stanford University™, you joined not only a brilliant, diverse, hotbed of innovation, but also a community that values self-expression above all else. As an administration, we support students in their out-of-the-box thinking and identities. In light of recent events, however, we would like to offer some guidance on maintaining Stanford Brand™. Below are some immutable guidelines on how best to express yourself uniquely.

What is the Stanford Brand™? All Stanford students™ are smart, irreverent, quirky, and supremely compliant. At Camp Stanford™ you can wake up every day and do whatever you want! Ideal Stanford-brand students™ might find themselves hopping through Stanford™’s many fountains, working hard on problem sets, donating to the Stanford Alumni Foundation™, and singing “Hail™ Stanford™, Hail™” at football games.

Stanford™ would never institute a dress code because we cherish the weirdness of our students. That is why from here on out every student has the option of either wearing a crisp, red button up with “Hard for Card” monogrammed into it (available at the Bookstore for $59.99), or any shirt with a computer science joke (e.g.: You had me at ‘hello world’). Add flair and style to your outfit with a weird and quirky choice like red, Stanford-Brand Shoelaces™.

Although all Stanford students™ are expected to receive A’s, the administration understands the stress that accompanies your academic perfectionism. After much thought, the administration has designed the perfect solution for extreme existential anxiety. If ever you feel that the walls of stress and expectations have closed in around you, that you are a slave to your own academic and social standards, all you have to do is lift up your window and Primal Scream™ into the darkness. Students are free to scream exactly once between 12:00 and 12:01 during the first three days of dead week, for no longer than 10 seconds at a time. This quarter’s scream window is only 8 weeks away. Mark your calendars!

For those of you who choose to have opinions, rallies are a fantastic way to express them with your peers. We want to support student rallies and protests, so if you are ever planning a gathering of one or more students with signs, feel free to contact our “Rally and Protest Center,” which is available only for onsite appointments at your convenience in Scottsbluff, Nebraska. Failure to register a Stanford-Approved Rally™ ($100/person) will result in expulsion.

May the winds of freedom blow just exactly the right amount!

Sincerely, Greg Boordman Vice Provost for Student Affairs

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