In the wake of numerous protests filed by Stanford freshmen last week, ASSU Elections Commissioner Brianna Pang is investigating potential barriers to voting that prevented underclassmen from getting to the polls.

“I checked all the likely spots on campus where I would expect the voting booths to be,” claimed bewildered Rinconada resident Justin Herman, “The first floor of Meyer, CoHo, Main Quad, Tresidder — I even tried to cast my ballot on those electronic screens in Huang but instead I just learned how much energy the building consumed in the past 24 hours.”

Freshmen students have taken to the streets to express their frustration over what they view as an infringement of their democratic rights.

“This is clearly just a means for the seniors to disenfranchise us…to silence our voices so they can push their apathetic, upperclassmen agenda,” yelled an angry protester to an assembled crowd in White Plaza, “If we allow ourselves to be excluded from the voting process, we will soon find ourselves excluded from the ASSU Senate, excluded from frat parties, even excluded from the Upper Row houses that its possible to draw into with a good Tier-2 number as a sophomore.”

Flipside reporters attempted to contact the upperclassmen responsible for perpetrating this alleged injustice, but were met with dismissive responses ranging from “Oh right…the ASSU elections were last week” to “The ASSU has elections?”

On the heels of this scandal, the ASSU has announced an initiative to make voting as absurdly easy and convenient as possible next year in the hopes of increasing participation in the election.

You May Also Like

Senators Embarrassed to Realize They Wore Same Goat Mask to Ritual Orgy

BOHEMIAN GROVE, CA — Noticing one another from across the foyer of…

Op-Ed: My Wii Fit Trainer Keeps Telling Me How the Poor Are Just Lazy and Entitled In-Between Poses, and It’s a Little Disturbing

“Let’s try the Half-Moon Pose,” she says, her silky-smooth voice sliding down…

Math Joins Ranks of Pro-Hillary Establishment

Ignoring the momentum displayed by Bernie Sanders’ surprise win in Indiana, mathematics…

Apple Announces iPad 2 and iPad 3D

In a press conference last week, Steve Jobs announced that he will…