Gummy Bears Exist Solely to Fuck and Die, Study Finds

A recent Harvard study found evidence suggesting that gummy bears’ sole purpose in life is to reproduce and then perish. “Anything they do in life—getting a degree, finding a job, any kind of meaning or joy they experience—it’s all ultimately empty,” explained researcher Harry Bo. “It turns out that gummy bears evolved for two purposes. First, they will find one or more mates and reproduce, passing along genetic material to future generations. Then they will die.” Bo confirmed that any phenomena such as “love” that gummy bears seemed to experience is merely a chemical cocktail and that orgasm just a physiological carrot, one brief moment of pleasure in an ocean of agony before the final sleep.

Bloomberg Meme Campaign Drops Series of Controversial “Stop-and-Frisky Kitty” Memes

Earlier this week, Mike Bloomberg’s presidential campaign caused quite a stir in the social media space as they contracted Meme 2020 to flood the internet with hip new content to reel in the young’uns. One particular series of memes, entitled “Stop-and-Frisky Kitty,” raised a few eyebrows and many more protest signs for its attempt to reframe Bloomberg’s history of racist police search policies. The meme featured an adorable kitty, like grumpy cat if grumpy cat was completely white, afraid of loud noises, and called women “doll face.” The memes portrayed the cat politely asking other kitties they suspected of hiding heroine, AK-47s, or ICBMs somewhere in their fur if they could please follow them for the safety of the community. Bloomberg said that he “absolutely does not condone Frisky’s behavior” but he believes that his actions were “purr-fectly reasonable within U.S. law.”

Willy Wonka Developing Secret Chemical Weapons Project for the U.S. Military, Leaked Contract Reveals

The Pentagon has begun working on a highly-classified chemical weapons project alongside one William Wonka, documents obtained by the Flipside indicate. The details of the project, codenamed “Operation Bloodwillow,” remain unconfirmed, but a source within Wonka Industries stated that candy-making facilities have begun large-scale production of a new type of peanut-butter cup which can be aerosolized and causes 3rd-degree chemical burns when inhaled. “I can’t say much, but I will say this,” remarked Lt. General Bruce Astrum. “I hope ISIS has a sweet tooth.” Meanwhile, international watchdogs have raised concerns about the ethics of weaponizing candy, a concern only heightened by Wonka Industries’ documented history of child labor and human experimentation.

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