President Putin made headlines last week by hiring Boyz II Men to play a series of gigs in the great Russian motherland to reverse the decreasing birth rates (this is not a joke). Major news outlets neglected to mention, however, the many other projects Putin has pushed forward in recent months to get his contrymen hot and bothered.

The music of renowned American artist Ke$ha has been broadcast non-stop through loudspeakers over the entire Russian nation to remind citizens to “live like their gonna die young” and to “get sleazy.” Ke$ha’s songs have the added effect of encouraging all Russians to stay indoors, away from her screaching atonal battle cries, where, as Putin says, “one thing might lead to another.”

Putin, a veritable dynamo of sexual energy, did not stop there. He personally crafted 5,000 unique valentines to send this Thursday to various Russian homes, hoping that his cards and love poems will create a romantic atmosphere. “Is good, no?” explains Putin. “Card arrives in mail, and woman thinks is from husband. She thank him with sex. Soon, many young Russian babies, strong like bear.”

Putin’s latest endeavor is off to a strong start – upon landing in Moscow, Boyz II Men baritone Nathan Morris opened his mouth to thank Putin for this opportunity, and at the sound of his voice every male in Moscow became more erect than a 13 year old watching Beyonce’s Super Bowl halftime show. The nation declared a state of sexual emergency, and Stanford is trying to extract students currenly abroad in Moscow. Said one of those students, “No, that’s ok. We’ll stay here, thank you.”

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