Masquerading under the pretense of “fulfilling obligations under federal law,” the Office of the University Registrar placed an enrollment hold on all undergraduate accounts last Tuesday, in what has since been revealed to be the latest aggressive maneuver in an ongoing cat-and-mouse battle between the Registrar’s Office and the Office of the President.

The Registrar’s Office issued a statement on Wednesday declaring that they would keep the student accounts hostage until their demands were met.  According to sources with knowledge of the situation, these demands include “less confusing course abbreviations, more paid time off, and no more of this shitty store-brand popcorn in the break room…is Orville Redenbacher’s really that more much expensive for Christ’s sake?”

The President’s Office, in addition to summarily rejecting each of the Registrar’s demands, is pushing back by requesting a reduction in the “inordinate” amount of time it takes students to download an unofficial transcript from Axess.  “Isn’t it just a PDF document with a few lines of text on it? Why does it take so long for Firefox to download it?” screamed one of Hennessy’s secretaries from the top of his desk with a fervor not easily conveyed through the written medium.

The decision to place the enrollment hold came as a surprise to most pundits, who predicted the Registrars would instead offer a 0.2 GPA boost to all students in exchange for their support.  The move likely became necessary after the President’s Office escalated the conflict last week by barricading the Student Services Center in an attempt to starve the Registrars out, a tactic that ultimately failed due to the ready availability of Subway, Panda Express, and Starbucks in the same building.

With no end to the conflict in sight, students have had to resort to drastic measures – like confirming that, in fact, their ethnicity and birthplace have not changed in the past year – to get the enrollment hold lifted.

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