With the Michigan city facing the prospect of becoming a ghost town, city lawmakers hatched an enterprising plan to restore it to prosperity: Purposefully destroying it with a man-made, 7.5 “mega-quake.”

“We hope that the inevitable influx of aid and sympathy for our beleaguered city will be enough to restore it to its former glory,” said Mayor David Bing.

Detroit boasts a failing infrastructure as well as a Haiti-esque 15.4 percent unemployment rate. “The positives clearly outweigh the negatives right now,” asserted domestic policy analyst Audrey Cannon, who green-lighted the proposal. “The benefits can come in so many wide-ranging areas. For example, more than 40,000 homes are vacant: If we start the quake there, we could get some free demolition out of the deal. The quake could even help our football team. If we can get other NFL teams to take pity on our feeble, pathetic Lions, they might decide to give us some good players for free. The list goes on and on.”

The actual methods of producing a gigantic tremor beneath Detroit initially stumped administrators, but they are now closing in on a plan. “We’re thinking of telling the Big Three automakers to build a giant, golden hammer to smack the ground with. It’s not like the automakers have anything better to do,” said Bing.

In addressing the concerns of his populace, Mayor Bing has assured everyone that he has carefully weighed the pros and cons of his maneuver. “We conservatively estimate the death toll to be around, say…50,000,” he noted solemnly. “But about that many people move out of Detroit every month regardless, so it’s a wash. We’re totally gonna go for it.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…