In the spirit of his grassroots campaign, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has patented and begun to sell his nationally recognized at-home workout program: ‘Flailing Your Arms and Yelling at Billionaires.’ Featuring a great, stimulating mix of cardio, strength exercises, and routing social and economic injustice, the physically and vocally intense workout includes specialized techniques like “Feel the Bern…in Your Glutes!” and “Exercise your Core… Right to Gun Ownership!” That second method isn’t quite as popular as the former, though, and most people tend to not even acknowledge its existence.
Regardless, Bernie seems ecstatic about the development of his product, which has always been his biggest dream: “People are gonna— BILLIONAIRES —love this. It’s cheap and versatile, which people need because of those billionaires on Wall Street! The—billionaires—top 1% of this nation own 50% of the people’s patented workout techniques. But if you buy my—BILLIONAIRES—exercise program, it’s gonna be—BILLIONAIRES— good for your health and the economy, because everyone is Bernin calories! And has universal healthcare.”
The youth also seem to really be resonating with Sanders’ message of getting jacked and punching income inequality in the mouth. Thousands of young adults across the nation are flailing their limbs around and yelling about the widening income gap. In response, Hillary Clinton has released her own regimen, “Chasing After Votes,” but it has proven slightly less popular amongst younger voters.