By Gideon Constable
WASHINGTON, D.C—After many groundbreaking, obscurely worded, and contested decisions, the United States Supreme Court under Chief Justice John Roberts has decided unanimously to serve much more poetic justice than it has in the past.
“We just want our decisions to have that sort of feel, that when you read them, you say, ‘Oh yeah, they got what they deserved,'” said Chief Justice Roberts. “We want our decisions to hold the nation in suspense right until the end where there is a perfect twist of irony and then everyone understands the new ruling and interpretation of US law.”
Many have criticized past rulings as being rather harsh or unfitting, and “certainly not poetic,” in the words of a literary/political analyst. Many cite Roe v. Wade as an case where poetic justice could have been used to wrap up the affair with no loose ends.
“The whole abortion to-do was a little messy,” said enthusiastic judicial clerk Joey Ellery. “I just wish we could have resolved it perfectly with poetic justice—like King Solomon when he decides to cut the baby in half. Now that’s what I call justice!”
The Supreme Court is now planning a brilliant decision where, in a bizarre turn of fate, they plan to give a lethal injection to the man who invented the procedure.