After the surplus of school spirit exhibited in celebration of the football teams rivalry with University of California, Berkeley, Stanford students settle into one of their favorite times of the quarter: Apathy Week. “I just don’t give a shit about anything anymore,” reveled senior Matthew McMann. “After winning Big Game, nothing really matters anymore. It’s such a relief!” This sense of carelessness was evident in McMann’s unkempt hair and stained clothing. He threw up a half-hearted fist pump, groaning the age-old mantra “Beat Cal.”
Apathy Week opened with the annual retirement of all Stanford apparel, which will remain on the floor for weeks as the feeling of necessity for doing laundry dwindles. The bullshitting rate of problem sets and the procrastination rate of papers have hit a new high, breaking last year’s record. Furthermore, general hygiene practices, such as toenail clipping and soap usage, have been thrown out the window. Hundreds of students admitted to foregoing any kind of vegetable in exchange for the Axe and Palm’s chicken tenders and waffle fry combo. It has even been reported that when the festivities of the previous week came up in conversation, a few Apathy Week followers expressed genuine confusion, remarking, “Wait, which game are you talking about? Is this soccer?” These are the hardcore loyalists to the apathetic cause.
“This is my favorite part of the quarter,” McMann stated. “Well, next to Disinterested Day, Indifference Week, DGAF Hour, and Detached Fortnight. Though I don’t much care for Marginal Awareness Month. It’s just so exhausting.”