The number of admissions at Stanford fell to a record low this year, as people chose to keep more and more things a secret.

“Last year I admitted that I actually had a Berkeley shirt and was glad Stanford had Pepsi products,” said Blake Billsworth ’15, “But it seems like this year fewer and fewer people are admitting anything.”

The Stanford Admissions team also acknowledged that acceptances plummeted over the last year, with less acceptance than even the notoriously in-denial Ivy League schools.

“I refuse accept that Cream really isn’t as good as everyone says it is,” said Reggie Smith ‘14 as she surreptitiously threw an untouched Cream sandwich into the garbage.

Admissions Coordinator Kate Corman said that the admissions process has become highly competitive and fiercely cut-throat.

“I wanted to make a big deal of admitting that my finals were really hard,” said Billsworth, “but everyone was in such a hurry to be the first person to admit it that by the time I started it was already too late.”

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