WASHINGTON, D.C.—In response to a series of defiant and controversial statements made by President Obama, the Supreme Court issued a unanimous decision requiring Obama to “put up or shut up” by facing off against Chief Justice John Roberts in a nationally televised, high stakes arm-wrestle. Writing for the majority, Roberts explained, “Obama thinks he can just insult us and walk away. We don’t work that way. We’re Supreme, and we’ve got the precedent to prove it (Supreme Court v. Badass MoFo 18 U.S. 666). If Obama and his administration want a fight, they’ve got one—April 15, 2012 at the Lincoln Memorial.”
Roberts continued laying out logistics for the event. President Obama, along with Vice President Biden and Attorney General Eric Holder will arm wrestle Chief Justice John Roberts and Associate Justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito. Many of the country’s sharpest legal minds have weighed in on this opinion.
“We saw this challenge coming from a mile away,” remarked Laurence Tribe, Professor of Law at Harvard University. “In our hostile political world, if you talk the talk, you best walk the walk, cuz otherwise, you gon’ get fu***d up. Obama should consider his ass lucky he only has to deal with an arm wrestle. If he’d said that shit to me, I’d have capped his ass.”
With less than a week remaining before the arm-wrestle, Obama and his team have started a rigorous work out regiment. President Obama feels confident he will prevail. “Make no mistake, I’ll have Chief Justice Roberts and his Lochner-era cronies pinned before the round even starts. He won’t even see it coming.”