Jim Harbaugh Extends Scholarship Offer to Embryo

May 23, 2016 12:00 pm
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Jim Harbaugh Extends Scholarship Offer to Embryo

ANN ARBOR, MI – Fresh off of the news that Alabama head coach Nick Saban had extended a scholarship offer to Florida eighth grader Jesus Machado, Jim Harbaugh of the University of Michigan immediately announced that he had reserved a roster spot on the 2035 Wolverines roster for the embryo of Robert and Pattie McCallister of Akron, Ohio.

“When I took this job last year, I promised to attack it with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind,” Harbaugh announced in a press release. “We must always be one step ahead of the competition. No one will ever outwork us to find the nation’s best talent–be they born or unborn.”

Harbaugh went on to praise the talents the talents of his latest prospect: “No one is sure about his gender just yet, but you just know it’ll be a boy because that family is a winner. The father has an Andonis-like physique and his mother has the large hands and commanding voice we crave in our recruits.”

The proud parents were elated at the news: “When Coach Harbaugh informed us of the offer at the end of his home visit, I cried,” Robert McCallister said afterwards. “As a parent, you work so hard to put your kids in a position to achieve their dreams and it’s great to see that effort pay off.”

Harbaugh could not be reached for further comment, according to a University spokesperson, as he was en route to a Houston-area nursery to evaluate another crop of elite prospects. The zygote has until February 1, 2035 to sign a letter of intent and formally commit to the Wolverines.