Student Celebrates Break in Binge Drinking Schedule With Week of Binge Drinking

After a Winter Quarter marked by heavy episodic drinking, sophomore Natalie Simmons decided to utilize her week-long break from classes and parties by drinking purely for the sake of being intoxicated. As she explained, “It just felt right—the timing of it, that is. There’s no better way to honor a break in my weekly schedule, often frequented by binge drinking, to drink a little more. Plus, I thought it would act as a nice pregame for Spring Quarter!”

 Simmons noted the importance of demonstrating to other colleges that Stanford is cool in her public displays of her drinking prowess, saying: “I wore a Stanford headband so that bystanders would know about my elite brain cells and how I was willing to kill them with excessive drinking. It was definitely the right way to celebrate a break from hitting the Row every weekend.”

Of course, as Simms explained, he decision to binge drink wasn’t easy. “Originally,” she said, “I was planning to explore Mexico, read a book, or play board games with my friends. But then I remembered that I didn’t have classes, and that I did have an open bar.” Simmons’ friends corroborated the story, claiming that Simmons only realized she wanted to celebrate Spring Break with binge drinking after seven seconds of contemplating if she was an alcoholic.