In preparation for Valentine’s Day, residents of freshmen dorms have already begun anticipating the messages that they may inadvertently send to their neighbors over the course of the holiday.

“I think it’s a cute gesture to give flowers to the girls in your dorm on Valentine’s Day, but I don’t necessarily want them to think that I am trying to give them…you know…a little something, something extra,” explained freshman Derrick Crow as he looked over his shoulder to see if anyone had noticed the subtle pelvic thrusts he had added to emphasize his point.

Suzanne Williams explains that a similar predicament exists from the female perspective, as she is uncomfortable sharing the Necco Sweethearts candy that she got in a care package with her male friends.
“I don’t really want anyone in this dorm to “Be Mine,” and I think the “Call Me” hearts are misleading because I am so much easier to reach by text message, and the “Luv U” hearts just make a mockery of traditional English spelling.”

Williams also clarifies that giving Hershey’s Kisses to a guy is “completely out of the question, because at that point I might as well hand him my room key, a condom, and a blank check to have his way with me.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…