Ask a Creepy Grad Student

Q: Obviously being a freshman far away from home can be tough, and I’m not usually the most sociable person, so I was just wondering whether you had any tips on how to form those close freshman bonds that everyone seems to have made?

Yours,

Left Out in Loro

A: I’m glad you asked that question. You see, the thing about freshmen is, the older I get, the younger they seem. Have you ever noticed how they’re all still 18, with a glint in their eye that hasn’t been dimmed by years of douchebag TAs critiquing their papers like they know more than you. Man do I wish I could do it again, really make those close, intense, deep… bonds.

Q: I’ve heard Stanford has a rep for not having biggest party scene. Where should I go if I really want to let my hair down and get wild?

Best,

Turnt-up in Trancos

A: Wow, what a great question. I’d love to meet up in person and give you some one-on-one advice. Kidding of course, I’m married. Kidding again. You don’t know which way I’m going, right? You’re thinking, what a card this guy is. You know, if you’re over the whole frat scene, I hear there’s a great party going down in Munger.

Q: I know it’s stupid to worry about this stuff so early on, but I have no idea what I’m going to major in. Any advice?

Thanks,

Confused in Cedro

A: I remember the days when I used to be so confused. Ah, to be young and see all your smiling faces again. Now, I’m finishing up my doctorate in Human Sexuality. It’s very freeing as a program, I’ve got great insight into the female condition, the female body. If you ever want to meet up and get a free biology lesson, you’re more than welcome to take me up on that.