After the record number of alcohol transports this fall and the complete failure of the university alcohol policy, Ralph Castro, director of the Office of Alcohol Policy and Education (OAPE), has been getting a little depressed.

“Honestly, can someone just get me a glass of whiskey right now,” said Castro, who paced around his dark office, visibly stressed, and with beads of sweat on his brow. “This whole OAPE thing has just been a disaster.”

In the recent weeks, Castro has reportedly been on a drinking binge. According to co-workers, he has been showing up late to work, disheveled and half dressed, and speaking incoherently.

“I think Ralph has been out of the social zone for quite some time now,” said OAPE associate and heavy drinker Laura Hector. “He’s just always the one puking at office parties, and making off-color comments at student presentations. I always end up holding his hair when he’s bent over the toilet.”

“Fuck the social zone!” exclaimed Castro to a dorm full of freshmen. “What is that, 2 shots? Are you kidding me? Let’s go, how about a round of shots for everyone, this is college!”

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