Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck has announced that he will stay with the school to play his redshirt junior year. However, Stanford has other plans for Luck. The school has just mandated “Operation Shut the Luck Up,” a school-wide program to prevent Luck from ever leaving the school.

After the Stanford football team failed to keep Toby Gerhart from entering the NFL, the school is instituting a lockdown on Andrew Luck. “By keeping Luck as quarterback for another 5, 10 or even 20 years, we can ensure that the Stanford football legacy will continue,” said Bob Bowlsby, the Stanford director of athletics.

His professors have been warned that they must fail Luck in any future classes he takes to prevent him from graduating. If students see Luck around campus, they are instructed to jump and pin him down until a school official can arrive. Students are cautioned that Luck is powerful and may try to defend himself. If you think you see Luck, please press the red button on one of the many white emergency towers located on main travel routes around campus or please call the hotline (800)-SHUTLUCK.

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