METROPOLIS—Republicans across the country were stunned when famed philanthropist and long-time supervillain Lex Luthor announced his candidacy in the 2012 Republican primary. Speaking from the steps of Capitol Hill, Luthor proclaimed, “Republicans need someone who can guarantee victory next November. I am that man. I have wrestled with men far more powerful than Obama and have lived to tell the tale. Rest assured, if I can beat Superman, I can beat Obama!”
When asked about his questionable legal past, including multiple years in prison, Luthor explained that it was nothing to worry about. “Look, I did some things I regret—I stole some cakes and did some scheming, but those are in the past now. My record speaks for itself, and what my record shows is that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish my goals—that’s the type of resolve and strength America needs.”
According to many Tea Party organizers, Luthor has injected a new sense of energy into the campaign. “The special thing about Luthor is that he holds the same values as the Tea Partiers—he dislikes aliens, wants to get rid of taxes for the wealthy, and has, on multiple occasions, tried to destroy the big government that is trying to control our lives—this is a man people can relate to,” said Mike Mathers, head of Tea Party organization in the midwest.
Another Tea Party supporter, Christine Matthews, held similar views. “Look, the Tea Partiers applauded when they learned Rick Perry had executed 234 people. Just wait until they see Lex Luthor’s record. He’ll give them some real numbers to appreciate.”
It seems the Tea Party leaders are correct. In the most recent Gallup Poll (Gallup is a subsidiary company of Lexcorp), Luthor tops GOP front runner Mitt Romney 62-48. Likewise, Luthor is five points ahead of both Herman Cain and Barack Obama.
Though the Obama administration has not issued an official response, sources close to the President indicate that he is planning to recruit a very powerful advisor to help defeat Luthor next November*.
*He also plans to contest Luthor’s eligibility on the grounds that Luthor was President just a few years ago and the entire country went to shit.