The past few weeks have been difficult for satirists the world over, as the Trump administration’s increasingly outlandish policy proposals have made even the silliest of satirical premises seem dour and plausible by comparison. Of particular concern to commenters around the world has been the future ‘The Onion’, a genre-defining mainstay of satire. These concerns, however, are completely unfounded, as The Onion shrewdly invested its fortune in very lucrative blood diamonds.

“A lot of people are probably worried that we wouldn’t be able to come up with something funnier than Trump’s presidency,” said The Onion co-founder Tim Keck. “But don’t worry, we’re totally fine, thanks to our large reserve of blood diamonds that we bought with our massive haul of online advertising dollars.” Tim went on to clarify that The Onion, in addition to mountains of immoral blood diamonds, has also diversified its holdings into Bangladeshi sweatshops and oil-industry stocks.

According to reports, the biggest financial crisis faced by The Onion was in 2008, when their lending of subprime mortgages caused the collapse of the American housing bubble. But since then, they have learned their lesson and now only invest their money in conflict minerals and pollution-spewing oil pipelines. Other satirical outlets, unfortunately, are very much in trouble.

“Satire writers are fucking idiots,” said Keck. “They’ll never be able to compete with a Trump presidency. They just don’t have the imagination,” he said, reclining on a throne built out of gold-plated AK-47s and sipping a mai tai. “But we’re doing fine”.

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