A few weeks ago, Stanford’s Faculty Senate voted to admit ROTC into Stanford. Late last week, however, Stanford received a letter from the military indicating that the ROTC has decided not to accept Stanford’s offer of admission. The full text of the letter reads:

“Dear Stanford Faculty,

I am writing to thank you for your invitation to attend your beautiful campus. This year, the ROTC received a record number of invitations back to schools who thought they were too good for us back in ‘Nam. Unfortunately, we do not have enough resources to accommodate every offer. While Stanford is a very impressive institution, the ROTC has decided not to accept your invitation to return. Not every school is a good fit for the ROTC. Please understand that your requirement that transgendered students be allowed to participate in all ROTC classes had very little to do with our decision–many other qualified institutions were also declined. We wish you success in your future endeavors and hope you will consider inviting us back in future years.

Sincerely,
General Patrick Portage
ROTC Admissions Director

When asked about the military’s decision, General Portage explained that the ROTC had opted to go with Princeton next year rather than Stanford. “When it comes down to it, it’s all about the people. The people at Princeton are just so….amazing. They’re also less gay. The decision practically made itself,” said Portage. 

When asked whether the military ever doubted its decision, Portage replied, “It’s not a matter of doubt. We are the military, we don’t make mistakes. We’re going to go to Princeton, and we’re going to like it.”

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