For years, environmental scientists blamed anthropogenic CO2 emissions for destroying the environment. However, a recent study by researchers at Stanford University found that the environment is itself to blame for much of the destruction to the environment.

Hurricanes, forest fires, earthquakes, and tsunamis are all responsible for killing trees, displacing entire colonies of native ant species, and scaring the bejesus out of fish.

“The environment is basically shooting itself in the foot,” said team leader Barbara Richardson. “We try to help the environment by recycling and not showering, and it responds with a tornado. What a douchebag!” Many people agree–the environment is totally out of control.

In response to the report, many people around the world have begun asking the environment to stop hurting itself. “I talk to the environment every day,” said Jamie Kwan, a Los Angeles resident. “I talk to the ground. I talk to the trees. I just hope the environment will listen to reason.

The U.S. state department yesterday put the environment on suicide watch in response to reports that the environment used lightning to burn down several trees in Montana.

You May Also Like

Kardashian Looking For New Fake Husband For Television

Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous, is currently on the prowl for…

Nation’s Hipsters Now Unsure How They Feel About Arcade Fire

In the wake of Arcade Fire’s “The Suburbs” winning album of the…

Fraternity Plans Ahead, Holds Vomit Themed Party

It looks to be a night of booze, beats, and barf this…

Letter from a Concerned Sophomore

This quarter’s going by kind of quickly, don’t you think so? I…