Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Now 25% Cheesier!

April 9, 2011 9:00 am
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Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Now 25% Cheesier!

Kraft Foods recently unveiled a 25% cheesier version of its popular Macaroni & Cheese line of products.

Cheesiness ratings are overseen and managed by the Schleiermacher Food Sciences Association. The SFSA utilizes the Nomnom scale, where one cheddar (chdr) is equal in cheesiness density to a standard batch of Cheddar cheese.

The new iteration of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese has been recorded with an impressive 5.25 chdrs on the Nomnom scale, a massive increase over its previous 4.19 rating.

“Our engineers worked around the clock for multiple years in order to bring us this latest advancement in cheesenology,” said Kraft Food Researcher Albrecht Kinderheim. “The input/output bottleneck in our taste bud vectorization subroutines was but one of several hurdles we had to overcome. Not to mention the subatomic instability inherent in recipes beyond the 4.0 chdr threshold.”

“I can say, without ego, that this is mankind’s finest achievement, second only to our successful implementation of Spongebob-shaped macaroni noodles back in 2007,” he added.

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, however, is not without its rivals. Cheeze-E-Noodlez, a budget-friendly alternative, has been siphoning off of Kraft’s macaroni market share for multiple years.

“Don’t even get me started on those hacks,” said Kraft Foods CEO Irene Rosenfeld. “For years we have tried to counter their delightfully whimsical use of Zs in place of the letter S. But to no avail!”

“They’re almost as bad as those bastards over at Hamburger Helper,” added Rosenfeld.