In one of the more interesting scientific discoveries this week, researchers have proven the existence of a benevolent and all-powerful deity, thus forever rendering ages of religious speculation and existential dread pointless.

“This shit’s airtight,” said Richard Dawkins, a prominent and vocal atheist, in reference to the study’s pristine methodology. “My bad for being wrong all this time.”

John Cabbot, leader of the twelve person team of scientists responsible for the discovery, worked tirelessly at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory where he would later discover God.

“It was all actually quite simple,” said Cabbot. “Once we got our Higgs bosons synchronized with our dark matter arrays, all we had to do was smash together some subatomic doohickeys, gather statistics, and integrate the hell out of our functions.”

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