This week, I received several e-mails promoting “V-Week” events—film screenings, panel discussions, Oprah praising sessions, etc. But while vaginas are certainly to be celebrated (believe me—I love vaginas just as much as the next guy), I take issue with the V-Week Chocolate Vagina sale. In their rush to promote their vaginas, Stanford women have forgotten that chocolates are not just random collections of sugar, melted together for our idle amusement, consumed only to satisfy our human desires. No—chocolates are special. Each one has a unique taste, a special quality that should be appreciated and respected.

By selling their chocolate vaginas, V-Week proponents are saying that chocolates are just objects to be sold, commodities to place on the market, to use only for profit and personal gain. Even worse, the V-Week women fail to recognize chocolate diversity. Gone are the distinctions between white and black, sweet and semi-sweet, dark and light. Gone are the caramel chocolates and the hot chocolates, the Belgian chocolates and the Swiss chocolates, the whipped chocolates and the mint chocolates. By selling their uniform vaginas, the women of Stanford deny the diversity and specialness of chocolates everywhere.

As a chocolate advocate, I can’t sit idly by, chewing on vaginas and watching as the chocolates I love so much suffer at the hands of feminists. No! I must take a stand! I must make a statement so that this objectification can never happen again! To all chocolate lovers—join me in boycotting chocolate vaginas. Help me send a message that will not soon be forgotten: Chocolates deserve our respect and admiration. They are not objects to be used to fulfill human urges, but are instead sensitive and delicates bundles of joy that we should strive to protect from fat kids, nutritionists, and heat sources.

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