Luke Patterson, an Al-Qaeda operative from Colorado, reportedly feels “really nervous” on his first day as a suicide bomber.

“What if they make fun of me for wearing a hand-me-down bomb vest?” said Luke. “Not everybody’s daddy can buy them new bomb vests, and I don’t wanna make a bad first and last impression.”

Luke’s mother made several attempts to reassure him, including rubbing his tummy, singing “You Are My Sunshine,” and making him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off “just the way he likes it.”

“Don’t you worry about a thing, my little bundle of honey-chuckles,” said Mrs. Patterson. “I’m sure your first day is gonna be a blast!”

Despite Mrs. Patterson’s best efforts, Luke remained nervous.

“I just hope I can make it through the day in one piece,” said Luke.

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