Faced with increasing numbers of stressed students and flustered professors, the Stanford Registrar’s Office has just announced plans to implement a new, Epic Fail grading scale. Unlike the number and letter based scales of the past, the epic fail scale will rank students based on skills, ownage, and degree of noobishness. We sat down with Mr. Emory Hearst, one of several drafters of the plan.

“Thank you, we here at the office are very excited about the new measures.”

“What exactly will this achieve, Mr. Hearst?”

“The EFS will by and large streamline the difficult process of evaluating students. No longer will TAs and professors have to slavishly write pages of responses to mediocre papers and half- assed tests. A simple ‘L2Study’ or ‘GTFO’ grade will convey that the student needs to commit more to the material, while the ‘noob’ and ‘fail’ ranks reflect a need for extra assistance, such as tutoring or facepalming.”

“And ‘epic fail’ would be just another form of failure then…”

“No, no that is a new feature, actually. Once a student has hit that epic fail level, its pretty much a KO; they can’t retake the course at any time during their stay at Stanford and, at that point, the student is re-evaluated to see if Stanford did in fact make a mistake by admitting him or her.”

“What a time saver! Thanks for being with us, Mr. Hearst.

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