Federal Officials Decide to Move Florida to Assisted-Living Home

November 13, 2012 9:00 am
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Federal Officials Decide to Move Florida to Assisted-Living Home

After another high-profile Floridian election gaffe, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar has officially announced the federal government’s intention to move the struggling 27th state into an assisted-living home before year’s end.

“Its just so sad to see how weak and decrepit the once-great state of Florida has become,” said Salazar in a press release, “It has lost interest in former hobbies like the space shuttle program and oil-drilling in the Everglades, it cannot feed itself without help from the farmers in the Midwest, and it probably wouldn’t even have the energy to stay attached to the continental US if Georgia and Alabama weren’t holding it up.”

Years of battering from hurricanes and tropical storms seem to have taken their toll on the Sunshine State, which will be fed in it’s room and monitored around the clock in its new home.

“We are really doing this for its own good,” reiterated Salazar, “Florida’s national perception might be a little shaky now, but in the long-term, Florida’s legacy will be one of happy family vacations to Disney World, the drama and entertainment of 15 Super Bowls, and ruthless evictions of the native inhabitants.”

At press time, Florida was still listlessly thumbing through absentee ballots but had lost the scrap of paper on which it was keeping tallies.

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