LOS ANGELES, Calif.—A new and alarming study has found that suicide rates throughout the United States have skyrocketed, and the cause seems to be linked to the release of Christopher Nolan and Leo DiCaprio’s latest “masterpiece,” Inception.
The study, which was run jointly by UCLA Professor Ace Swenson and the Federal Institute for Logic-related Movie Studies (FILMS), posits that tens or maybe even hundreds of moviegoers have thrown themselves out of windows in the weeks since the film hit theaters. Why? After many interviews with people exiting the theaters, the answer is becoming increasingly clear.
“I just…I can’t fathom that Hollywood would actually make a movie that made me think,” said 27-year-old moviegoer Arnold Grimlitz. “It can’t be real. I must be dreaming.” Grimlitz then reached for his wallet, which he told us was a token he used to assure himself that he was in the real world. Upon realizing that it did not weigh as much as it did before he paid $10 to enter the theater, he announced that he had to wake himself and stormed off. Two hours later, Grimlitz’s mangled body was found on the sidewalk next to a ritzy hotel.
When Dr. Swenson was asked what course of action should be taken to prevent post-“Inception” Mangled Persona Suicides (PIMPS), he laughed and offered a simple solution.
“There is only one way to solve the problem, and it is simple. After you have seen ‘Inception,’ run to your local video store. Rent ‘Epic Movie,’ ‘Gigli,’ ‘Pokemon: the First Movie,’ ‘Snakes on a Plane’ and ‘American Pie Beta House.’ Watch them in that order, back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to back. If you still have any brain function whatsoever after that movie marathon, then you know you’re dreaming and should probably jump out of a hotel window. If not, then you will have successfully prevented the PIMPS from taking you down.”