WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Obama shocked the nation last week when he announced that he would begin seeking advice from a man he calls “Plumber Paul.”

Though not much is known about the plumber, Paul took the stage during a press conference to describe his agenda.

“Obama has told me about some problems you’ve been havin’ in your system. He says you’ve got some memos released to the press. Well, I looked at those memos, and I see they’re marked with ‘Confidential.’ It seems to me you gots a leak. I can help you with that leak, but it ain’t gonna be cheap. I also hear there’s BP oil in your gulf. Well, I’ve seen what you gots there—and surprise, surprise—what you gots is another leak. I can help you with that one too.”

Plumber Paul continued by outlining his solutions to the nation’s problems, which included using Brawny paper towels to clean up excess BP oil (“Just look at the package—it’s guaranteed ta clean up any leak—it don’t say nothin’ ‘bout oil”) and using a new website to prevent the further leak of classified documents from Wikileaks (“The Internet is jus’ some tubes and pipes, an’ when you got a leak in a pipe, all you needs is a plug, so we’ll just seal Wikileaks with Wikiplugs”).

Though Plumber Paul’s agenda was well received by everyone in the Democratic Party, it received a great deal of criticism from Republicans across the country.

“A plumber has no place in the White House,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “Just look at the first time we had a group of plumbers working with the president: Nixon was fine until they came along—those White House plumbers corrupted him and convinced him to break into Watergate. And just a few years ago, the Bush administration tried using plumbers, and they ended up with more leaks than the Titanic on April 16—if you don’t believe me, just ask Valorie Plame.”

Boehner wasn’t the only one to criticize Plumber Paul. Joe the Plumber, who chimed in during the 2008 election, also voiced his disapproval. “I know Plumber Paul. He’s nothing but trouble.  He’s one of those liberal plumbers who wants to destroy America. I mean, look at him, he doesn’t even believe in trickle-down plumbing, and he wants to ‘regulate’ our water flow! Typical liberal.”

Despite the many objections to Plumber Paul’s position in the Obama administration, he won’t be going away any time soon. According to an upper-level Obama official, Plumber Paul will be around for years to come—or at least until someone can get Rahm Emanuel to stop clogging the toilet in the Lincolns’ bathroom.

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